This is not it

Arrrrrr! This is not it. This is not the place for me. Today has been a very frustrating day mainly because my mother treated me like I was ten years old. She made me (marched me up the stairs to not my room anymore) organize my things in a plastic set of drawers she bought specifically for the purpose. I know, I don’t have any room to complain, I am living in their house, but still, this embarrassed me and made me feel like a child. Apparently it doesn’t matter what I want; maybe I hadn’t put my things in order the way that she would have because I didn’t want to? Maybe it feels a little too permanent to have a specific spot for all of my things. But, I suppose it doesn’t really matter what I want, as long as my things are stuffed away in the closet and I am sequestered to the motorhome. Unbelievably frustrating.

I am also very tired of just being expected to do what everyone else is doing in the family. I don’t want to eat out with you every Saturday. Maybe I had something else I wanted to do? I don’t want to feed, bathe and take care of Jacob whenever you aren’t home, and it isn’t that I don’t mind; it is that I don’t want to be expected to do so. I love you and Jacob, but there is a reason I have made it almost all the way to my thirtieth birthday without having a child; I don't want to do any of this. I want my own life again. As horrible as Louisiana was, at least it was mine. I didn’t do much with it, but I had the freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted.

And Ben. Ben is in New Hampshire this weekend so I am on his Do Not Call list. I get the feeling he is embarrassed of me. He could have taken me there countless times during the last two years. Why do I get the feeling that you think that I am not good enough to be a part of your life there? And now it's too much to even let your friends know you talk to me? I hate this. WTF?

I don't know if any of these things are true; I am just frustrated with my situation right now.

I miss the life that I could have had. I miss all of the missed opportunities in Louisiana. I miss Ben. I miss me.